Pity Party

I just realized I don't really have any friends. Since Eric died I so needed to be left alone, that I have lost touch with most of my friends.

I have lots of acquaintances that I can call and chat with and catch up on old times.

But no real friends.

This is strange as I have always had two best friends.

When Eric died I pushed away my cousin and best friend, and now the relationships I have with them are pretty much casual.

I did surround myself with a group of four homeshooling moms that I do co-op with, but recently had a falling out with two of them (which I am very hurt by.) The groups was a great support system for my homeschooling and other areas of my life.

This is another side area of my life affected by Eric's death. I mentioned before how outgoing I used to be and how much I loved being around people. But since that has changed I have not worked on any of those relationships.

This reminds me of my walk with the Lord. The more I ignore Him, or go through life without spending time with Him, the further apart I grow from Him. God may be using this friend issue as a way to get me to trust in Him completely. Which makes perfect sense, as He wants to fill any voids in my heart.

Still it hurts, I feel so alone on earth sometimes.

I mean in a second I could call anyone in my family if I have a need, I could even do so with my church family. But what if I just want to chat about my to do list or what I have done today or some silly thing that happened? What if I have to tell someone that I got a Kohl's charge and actually used it (big deal for me as I have no credit cards, but the discount option was so great?) Who will I tell that I am wearing my super cool apron; or that I am sad today; or how cool my boys are building a tree fort? You know the things we tell our best friends.

I guess this is why I have posted so many posts in the past few days.

I know God always wants to hear from me, I need to go to Him more. And I need to pray about which relationships I can grow, or what new ones I can make.

For now I want to thank you my blog friends for reading this blog, and especially leaving comments, they make a difference to brighten my day.

-Becky

update: of course I have friends, just when I am feeling sad I get a little over dramatic. However the point is I don't feel as close to any of them since my brother passed away.