Raising kids is hard

I hesitate to write this post as I can already hear the criticism. I chose to homeschool, so I should be able to handle it. If my kids were in public school and we were having a bad week would that somehow be more acceptable to people to hear my concerns?

Anyway last Fri. I went to the viewing for my friend, Chris. I also worked at night, so I was not with my kids all day. They literally played video games and stayed up very late. Already a bad combo for my kids.
Sat. and Sun. Jason went on an overnight fishing trip with my stepfather and my nephew. Although he had a great time it was out of his normal routine.

By Monday Jason was in another world. He gets this way with his issues, than it seems he is a different child. He almost has no control over himself.

This does not happen often and has greatly improved over the years, especially with behavioral therapy, family and individual counseling, and meds (gasp I know, but sometimes they are needed.)

But when it does I am at a lost. I don't know what to do.

Imagine a two year old out of control in a tantrum, in a 12 year old body. Then Josh who can't stay out of anything gets involved. This causes extreme fights between them. Jason literally just threw a shoe at his brother. They both are speaking so unkindly.

Many times I feel as if I have to choose between my kids. If I am helping one, how can I help the other. One needs quiet, one thrives on noise.

I know that Jason needs to calm down to get out of this situation, but that will not happen with Josh yelling at him. But at the same time Jason can't be rude to Josh.

First, we all have heart issues. Right now I am wishing I could go far away. I don't even like my kids right now. Jason has the challenges he was born with (ADHD, sensory issues, learning disabilities.) Joshua has been diagnosed with ODD. Which is basically extreme anger that he just unleashes. If you think this stuff is made up, spend a week at my house. Both my boys have the environmental issues of no dad. This hurts them (and me.) They also don't get to see a man respecting me. The only model they see is me.

And honestly, I AM A MESS!

I want my family to be living for the Lord. I want to model that myself so my kids can grow. But it is hard. I am grieving. I am stressed myself. Yet I can't put my life of raising kids, homeschooling, and working aside so I can deal with my issues.

Instead of blogging I know I should be calling on the name of the Lord.

He has called me to homeschool.

He has blessed me with these kids.

He promises that He will not give me more than I can handle, if I rely on Him.

So what is wrong? Me not relying on Him.

Me choosing to sleep in instead of talking with Him.

Me choosing to watch DVD's at night instead of listening to Him.

Me feeling sad and sorry alone. Instead of remembering He grieves with me.

Dear Lord,

Equip me. I want to do right by you and these boys. I want to show them your love and mercy. I want to be patient. But Lord you know my heart. You see my pain. You know I have neglected you. You know I am empty and have not asked you to fill me Lord.
Lord, please fill my heart with only you. Your love. Your grace. Your mercy. Fill me to overflowing so I can spill that on to my boys Lord.
Please remind me of the great privilege it is to raise and homeschool these boys. Please give me joy in all circumstances. ESPECIALLY RIGHT NOW LORD!

In Jesus Name,
Amen!

-Becky