My voice

For as long as I can remember I liked to write. I have journals full of poetry and thoughts and short stories. I could write pages every day. I used to have something to say. I thought this blog would be like that, and in a way it is, but lately my post have been boring updates or a quick picture here and there.

I have nothing really to say lately. I have lost my voice so to speak.

I could tell you that I just paid $3.60 for 3 lemons at the corner convenience store. That sure shocked me and I know the whole world wants to hear about it (can you sense the sarcasm?)

But as for what I am thinking and feeling and my contributions to this world. I got nothing.

I think I am stuck in survival mode (have been for like 12 years.) We are tremendously blessed and God has provided for all our needs, yet the truth of the matter is we really struggle to get by. And when how you are going to buy food is on your mind, dreams and hopes not so much.

You could argue if I worked full time and had my kids in school all day, maybe things would be better financially. Maybe they would, but when I run the numbers it seems not so much.

The bottom line is my earning potential is about $12 an hour (even less doing childcare.) If I worked Mon. - Fri. 9:15-2:15 (so I would have no childcare costs,) I would make about $300 a week. That is before taxes. Honestly that is about what I make now. Plus I couldn't work on days kids have no school or in summer.

If I worked full time I would need before and/or after care for both kids. Yes, Jason is 13, but with his host of special needs he is not able to stay home alone for longer that about 30 min. if that. So If I worked 40 hours a week, that would be:
$480
- 80 taxes
100 after care (if I worked say 9-5, and needed 2.5 hours care after school each day)
$300 take home a week

Neither of the above scenarios involve what to do in summer.

If I did in home daycare again I could take about 3 kids (that is all my tiny house could handle) at $120 per child, that is $300 a week (after food, toy, and educational supply expenses.)

Eventually I plan on going back to college (I have an AA in Early Education), but right now I feel God wants me home as much as possible. I also feel He wants me to homeschool. In just 5-7 years Jason will be off to college. In 11-13 Joshua. These days go by so fast.

For now I want to get me back. Maybe as a mom that is not a possibility?

I think the real way to do so is more time with God. Being more like Him is what I really want to be.

Plus I think reading helps me to get ideas and grow (I love to read, and have already read at least 4 books since Christmas.)

I would love to take more sewing classes as well (but do not have the time or money right now.)

In addition I wish the kids and I could all learn to play an instrument. I would love to play the guitar. I grapple with offering cleaning/childcare services for lessons, but also do not really have the time. I already work anywhere from 1-6 days a week doing house/office cleaning and childcare.

Another thing I really want to do is decorate my home. A little paint here and there, another couch, some nicer (more my style furniture.)

I get all these ideas in my head and then I can't do anything with them.

Again I am so blessed. I feel blessed. I know how fortunate we are to have a home, running car, food, our health, our family and friends, books, toys, freedom, everything!

I don't want to sound ungrateful. I just want to know who I am, and what my voice is in all the daily blessings and trials that make up this life. I want to feel that my life is more than a daily to do list or monthly budget.

-Becky