Eric

Last night I dreamt Eric wrote my mom and I a note. The note said, "cc $210 for Becky" something else and, "Tim is going to buy soap" (in the dream I liked this guy named Tim and I needed to know where he was [fyi I do not even know a Tim.]) It was weird. He was dead in the dream, but still found a way to write the note.

I haven't posted much about my grieving lately. Sometimes I think everyone must thing "It's getting old" or "Get over it, it's been over a year lately." But I am still sad at the thought of my big brother no longer being her in earth. I still ache terribly over the loss. I still miss him. I also miss sharing my life that has gone on without him with him. He has missed stuff. Like Josh riding a skateboard standing up without falling, and Jason doing skateboard tricks.

And of course he has missed the birth of Kaiden. Every time I am with Kaiden I think Eric will never know this blessing and he won't know Eric either (although he will be told about Uncle Eric.)

However, the living life has gotten easier. I am starting to talk to people more (something I always loved to do, but since Eric's death I have been avoiding.) I have started having many more good days than bad. And even some bad days I can even turn around and make better.

I actually met someone named Eric recently and didn't start crying, as the sound of his name had done so many times before. Progress. Yet it also seems wrong. How can I go on while he never will? How can I laugh and love and cry and grow? It is strange even thinking of him as his age. He will always be 32. But as I approach 31, he should be 34. How will he be my older brother when I surpass him in age? Still so much of his death makes no sense and seems pointless.

And especially to think God knew Eric would have only 32 years on this Earth. For God this death was not too soon. But for us we think about all the what ifs of Eric's life. We think of all the time we will never get to spend with him on earth again.

It is a constant reminder that our time could be up in the very next second. A reminder that more people need to hear the good news of Christ before our time and theirs is up. That is our first purpose hear in Earth (once we have accepted Him as our Lord and saviour.)

Yet as I look at the weeks and months, since Eric's death I wonder how much of Him have I really shared? I have been so caught up in barely surviving, how could I even attempt to share Him with others when I have felt so far from Him myself?

Right now I need to find my way back to Him, trust He knew why Eric's life should end at that exact moment, and live for Him as if it were my last day as well. That is all anyone of us can really do anyway.

-Becky