I am in amazement that it will be April in 1/2 an hour. Actually I am amazed that I am 29 years old. I think sometimes where has the time gone.

I do not feel 29. I am not sure what 29 should feel like, but whatever that is I do not feel it.

I do feel in utter awe that God has blessed me with two amazing, amazing boys. Today Josh was sick and Jason was getting him drinks and even made him soup (because Josh wanted to lay on me.) I love them so much, it makes me cry. Ok, I am crying. They are so loving and forgiving. Yes, they are challenging!!! But still what did I do to deserve this life? Honestly, my life is good. Yes, I struggle with parenting, but God has allowed that mostly what I have to do is parent. HE has allowed my life to be easy in other areas so I can face the hard stuff. HE loves me so much. Plus in addition to HIM, I have an amazing support system in my family, friends, and church family.

I don't know why or how that is so hard to accept. I beat myself up every day, instead of going to HIM and starting over again the next day.

Yes, I mess up, yes, I need to change, but I have a fresh start EVERY SINGLE MORNING!!!

I just watched a sad movie and yes that gets me sort of weepy, but also it got me thinking about my choices in relationships. If I am honest with myself I will see that I have not really found love yet. Not the love in the Bible. That is intense. I am way too selfish to love anybody like that. I still can not fathom that God loves me that much. HE loves us all that much. From the newest baby to the oldest living person alive. From the murderer to the small innocent child. And we can't do anything to make HIM love us more or less. How AMAZING is that? Even if you can't comprehend it, like I can't, HIS love is still the absolute truth.

As I type that I wonder why that can't be enough for me? I wonder why I am searching for love on earth? Love that is tangible. HIS love is more powerful than any love on earth I could ever find.

But still I seek what I think love is. I realize my way just gets me hurt EVERY time. I wonder when I will learn. I wonder when I will get a glimpse of how HE sees me. Or actually, I wonder when I will realize HE does not see me merely by my sins, but HE sees the child HE created. HE knows I am a work in progress, and HE loves me anyway.

I pray that I desire a closer relationship with HIM; the relationship HE longs to have with me. I pray I realize He is more than I ever could need. I pray that I accept HIS love. And I pray that I can pass it on every single day!

-Becky

sleep update

Well, Jason woke up around 8:30am, so he slept almost 12 hours. He had a really good day too. I did not yell at all today. (I also did not have to go anywhere or do anything as Joshua is sick, so we all stayed home today.) Except I did go out at 1:50 to take both boys to doctor to be tested for strep. We will see how that turns out in a few days.

Joshua had a fever almost all day. He is asleep now (another victory as he was asleep by 9:00pm.)

Jason is almost asleep, I hope that he will be by the time I am done typing so I can fold laundry and watch tv (our only tv is in living room which is right next to his room. If he is still up he listens to what I am watching and does not go to sleep.)

But I am in awe of how calm my house is right now. For so long night time was a nightmare for me! And I am sure the boys not getting enough sleep just makes them more tired for next day and so on.

Hopefully we can get a full week of being asleep by 9:00pm, and getting up around 8:00am. I want to get back on a better schedule.

-Becky

Jason had an early night

Jason was asleep by 9:00pm. Yeah!!!

Usually he is asleep by 12:00am, sometimes later. He goes to bed around 9:00pm. He has a routine which includes no tv after 7:30 (usually), reading in bed, then lights out by 10:00pm. But even then his mind just does not shut off. Then sometimes he has trouble staying asleep as well.

I pray he sleeps all night and is well rested tomorrow.
He usually gets up between 7:30am-9:00am. I will see about tomorrow.

-Becky

Yeah Joshua

Joshua actually read this book to me tonight, not just from memory, but actually from knowing most of the words or sounding them out. I am so proud of him.

-Becky

Joshua got to be goalie

We just got back from Joshua's soccer game. He got to be goalie. He did great. I wish I had brought my camera. He is very proud of himself, and so am I.

Now we are going to clean the house for an hour. Then at 4:30, I have to leave for work.

-Becky

p.s. not that it matters but his team won 3-1 (ok it matters a little)

In case you were wondering

Just wanted to update about my friend Duane. If you recall we met online in Aug. 2007. Well after many phone calls, emails, and letters we met for the first time last Dec.
We continued to communicate in 2008 and had more live visits. Duane decided to try living here and in Feb. he moved to NJ.
This made me quickly realize that I am not ready for a relationship and he has since gone back to Nebraska.

I need to be closer to the Lord and have a more solid relationship with HIM. My daily time with him is no longer daily.

I also need to work on me. I need to be calmer, eat healthier, and exercise.

Until I feel I am closer to the Lord (knowing I am always a work in progress) I do not feel I am ready to be dating. I want to be equally yoked to someone better than the person I am today. Yes, I am proud of myself for all I am and do; but for God, myself, and my boys I can do better.

-Becky

I am having surgery and some venting

I will be having surgery on my ankle. It is scheduled for April 16th. I am scared, but mostly worried as it is hard enough to parent with two good ankles.

My kids have me so stressed out.

Jason has some special needs (he was born with), and he has some environmental stuff (his dad and I not being together, all the back and forth, my stress, etc.), but he also manipulates me. It is very hard to tell which is which and deal with each accordingly. I do not want to discipline him for something that he can't control (i.e. being overstimulated and needing a break), yet at times I think he uses that to get his way. AHHHH!!!

I feel like I am drowning. I don't know what to do.

Here is my ideal:
a week long vacation without kids to
2 days to clean entire house
3 days visiting a dear friend I miss very much
2 days resting and reading

Then I want a personal supernanny to live with us after that, a Christian one at that.

But instead I will have surgery and hope that my kids don't get any more out of control.

The good news is that I am having surgery, there is hope my ankle will not be in so much pain after it heals, and I do not have any out of pocket expenses (yet.)

Please keep me in prayer, especially on April 16th when I will have the surgery. Also pray for my mom who is so busy yet still helps me so much!

-Becky