Friday, July 31, 2009

Financial check up-opps!

Finances not looking so good. I should not have spent so much mad money over past two months. I had paid all my bills until Aug. 1st, but today I spent $75 that I didn't have to spend, and when I got home from water park I had a gas and electric bill that I was not expecting (they are due in Aug., but I thought I had prepaid enough to cover them as well.)

I have to figure out a way to come up with:
$75-pay back money I used today
$200-owe my contact fund (which I need new contacts asap)
$120-electric bill
$45-gas bill

$440 needed by Aug. 11th

Plus I will be short about $300 on Aug. bills as well.

So actually I need about $740 by the end of August. The main reason is I was scheduled to go back to work ( I had been off due to my ankle surgery) on Friday June 19th (I think that is the date.) But since my brother died on the 14th of June (the Sunday before) I was not able to go back. So my job had to hire someone else (since I had already been out 3 months.)

I also spent too much mad money on stupid stuff in the past few months (expecting to be back to work by now.)

I will work my Sat. job in Aug. and make about $240, so I will need to find another way to come up with about $500 by the end of Aug. I will start be seeing what I can sell in our house. Next, I will ask everyone I know if they need any childcare from now until summer's end. That I can do with my kids as to not incur any childcare costs.

Now, I do have money in an emergency fund and a house fund as well, but my goal is to not touch any of that at all.

I think it is good to evaluate where I am financially a lot, to avoid being in situations like this.

How often do you check your finances?



Today the boys and I went to a local waterpark with Duane, my friend, Heather and her two boys. We all had a blast. We went at 10am to avoid large crowd and high heat. But because rain threatened the park was almost empty. But it did not rain while we were there at all. We were there 3 hours. Jason did every waterslide. We all rode the lazy river around as long as we wanted. Josh even went on a big slide with me. I wish I had taken some pics, but I was too busy going on the slides with my boys. I am exhausted but it was a lot of fun.


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Win a quilt

go here to enter to win a free quilt


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

What we spent on Ohio trip

Kevin and I took the boys to Ohio to visit my grandmother last week. We left Monday in am and returned home Friday night. It was so nice to spend time with Kevin and visit my grandmother. She really enjoyed having us there.

Here is what I spent:
$ 50 Food for drive up (very healthy stuff may I add)
$340 Hotel (with pool and free breakfast included)
$140 Entrance to Football Hall of Fame and souvenirs (I even got Kevin a Christmas
$ 75 Walmart (clothes for Josh & bathing suit for Josh)
$ 15 Out of state scratch offs (our road trip tradition)
$ 45 Gamestop (boys forget DS lite & DSI chargers-I got them each a car and house
$ 30 Shopping at local Goodwill (just for fun)
$ 36 Getting two copies of my birth certificate (I was born in Ohio, and my old
birth certificate ripped apart)
$ 100 Gas

$831 Total spent by me on trip

Kevin spent (that I know of):

$ 50 Gas
$ 50 Football Hall of Fame souvenirs
$ 50 Pizza Hut
$ 65 Friendly's (we took my granmother out to eat)
$ 20 Cold Stone

$235 Total Kevin spent

$1065 Approximate money spent on 5 day trip to Ohio. About $210 a day is not too bad. Of course we could have greatly reduced expenses for this trip by not staying in a hotel and staying at my grandmother's, packing proper clothes for Josh, packing all DSI & DS lite components, and not eating out. But although we went to Ohio to help my grandmother, I also wanted the boys to feel like they were on vacation and have some fun as well. They got to swim in hotel pool every night and now they can say they went to the Football Hall of fame (big whoop to me.)

Any vacation plans for you? How much have you budgeted for vacations this year?

Horrible day

Today is no good. I woke up yelling at my boys and I mean yelling. I was like a mad woman. I just feel my insides are mean and broken. I still feel horrible. I am trying to have fun and be fun for them, but I am still so sad.

I am in therapy and also have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week. I also am talking with some friends and that is helpful. Of course it is understandable why I am feeling this way. However it is not fair to my kids. I know God says it is ok to be sad and angry, but it is not ok to sin in that sadness and anger. I need to figure out how I can grieve while also being the mom they need. I am hoping the therapy and such will help with that.

I will say, my friend Duane is visiting from NE again. Last night we made a fire in my fire pit. The boys really enjoyed it and after I put them to bed Duane & I sat by the fire a few more hours. It was so nice to talk and cry and just be. I felt all my stress melt away (especially the stress I feel when I am trying to put boys to bed and they are yelling and getting up and such.)

It was nice. I so needed that. But it makes it harder to understand why I woke up so cranky.

I did go to physical therapy on my ankle again today as well. My ankle is still not fully healed and the pt is helpful. I am praying that my decision to have the surgery will prove to be fruitful, but right now I am still having some pain and difficulties daily.

I hate pity posts, so I will end now.

I still remember how blessed we are and still feel God's love in every day and in every situation. I just am having a hard time right now.

Thanks for listening!


Saturday, July 25, 2009

We are home

We just got home from visiting my grandmother in Ohio. I am exhausted, will post more about trip tomorrow.


Sunday, July 19, 2009

Pepper recipes needed

Hi! What can I do with all the peppers that are in my garden? I need some recipes. I eat them raw, I eat them in salad. What else can I do? Thanks! -Becky

Some fun and not so fun

Yesterday my friend, Joanna, and I drove to PA for our friend, Lauren's son's 3rd birthday. Lauren and I have been friends since we were 6 (23 years.) Joanna and I have been friends since I was 12 (17 years.) It was nice to drive with Joanna (she drove as my ankle is still not 100%.) Joanna can always make me laugh. We laughed the entire 4 1/2 hour ride there (traffic and wrong directions added 2 hours to our drive.) Then we had a nice visit in PA. It was the first time I saw Lauren's new house. It is so beautiful. Even the drive home was nice.

Joshua was bored but managed to survive. It helped that he found another 6 year old at the party to play with.

Jason stayed at his Nannie's and Poppie's all day. It was good he stayed home as he is sick. It started with a stomach yesterday and he has been throwing up since about 3am. He can not keep any food down. He keeps saying he is hungry, so I made him toast, then gave him an apple, then made rice (all throughout the day.) But he has not been able to keep any of that down. I feel so bad for him.

I also am not feeling 100% with my stomach myself. So maybe we got a virus or something.

But it was nice to have a fun day yesterday. We so need that.


Saturday, July 18, 2009

Bullet & Lemmy

Lemmy passed away last night, he was Eric's first dog. This all is so sad. Pray as Kevin is exhausted from sleeping on couch with dogs last night. Pray for my sister who was really attached to the dogs. Pray for my mom and Scott as well.

Also pray as last night Jason fell and got really banged up, he is pretty sore. Thankfully he managed to protect his face and not break any bones.

Friday, July 17, 2009


I just ate a green pepper fresh from my garden. Yum!!! Jason surprised me by bringing in 5 ripe peppers. I can't wait for the tomatoes to start turning red.
There is nothing like a Jersey tomato fresh from the vine!!!

I love walking out into the yard and picking veggies. It is so cool, fun, and yummy.


When it rains

We always used to say , "When it rains, it pours" to describe when a bad thing happens, more usually follow.

Today my brother Kevin was telling me how his back has failed him and how one of Eric's dogs is very sick. Kevin is staying at Eric's to take care of the dogs until a decision about them is made. They took the sick dog, Lemmy to the vet ($400 visit) and still they can not find an answer (he has been sick for a long time, Eric had surgery on her about two months ago. It was about $2,000.) This is all so horrible. My sister has become attached to the dogs and this is making things even harder for her. Plus coming up with money to pay all Eric's bills has been hard enough. Now there are vet bills as well.

I am not really involved in all the cleaning up and caring for the dogs, as my boys are about all I can handle, however this really stinks all this stuff they have to do on top of grieving and everyday life stuff.

Please pray that Lemmy gets better. Pray for strength and energy for all of us. Pray for financial provisions for Eric's bills, and Kevin's bills (as Kevin is not working at this time and still has all the bills at his own condo as well.) Pray for Samantha who is starting a new job this upcoming week. Pray for my mom who is doing so much. Pray for Scott as well.



Thursday, July 16, 2009



Me in a new outfit

I love this outfit, I love the shirt and skort. Also the color of this shirt is so nice I am going to have my house painted this color.

Photo by Joshua

New look

Joshua before

Joshua after

I am so blessed

I noticed my yard was a bit overgrown the other day. Alright it was looking like a jungle. I knew that I could not handle it on my own so I enlisted help from my church. Monday night my youth pastor and his family came over and did like 80% of the yard. Then another family was going to come over Tues., but I had hurt myself trying to help on Monday night so I cancelled them. Then yesterday another church member came and finished the job. In addition a group of men were available to come finish the job on Sat. if it was not already finished. God has provided for each and every need I have had over the past 12 years. However the help and comfort He is providing me since Eric's death through those that love me and Him is beyond words incredible. And I do not feel as if I am burdening anyone. I feel like these people are happy to help.

Last night I was having a hard time just being so I called Monica and she came over immediately and put Josh to bed for me. Then she let me be and then helped me clean and put away the laundry that has been sitting in my living room for days. Because of Christ I have such love in my life.

It makes me cry tears of joy to be reminded yet again of how blessed I am. I am so thankful to the Lord and those in my family and to my friends.


Thank you that you love me. Thank you for all the people you have put in my life to remind me of your love for me. I pray you bless each and every person who selflessly gives of themselves to help make my life better. I pray I can be filled with this love and pass it on as well. I pray that you give me the energy and strength to grow in my walk with you and to parent my boys in a way that would honour you Lord. I thank you that that is all I have to focus on right now Lord.

In Jesus Name,


Tuesday, July 14, 2009

some verses

These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world. John 16:33

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold. Selah. Psalm 46:1-3,7

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. 2 Tim 1:7

I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Psalm 16:8

Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you; He will never allow the [consistently] righteous to be moved (made to slip, fall, or fail). Psalm 55:22

He only is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my Defense and my Fortress, I shall not be moved. Psalm 62:6

Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully. 1 Peter 5:7

The Lord is good, a Strength and Stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows (recognizes, has knowledge of, and understands) those who take refuge and trust in Him. Nahum 1:7

The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, Because he trusts in You. Isaiah 26:3

God is so faithful

God keeps reminding me how much He loves me and how I already have exactly what and who in my life I need to get through this time.

Today I went to visit a friend who had her second baby 6 weeks ago, this was my first time seeing him. It was a nice visit and a nice time chatting with her. God gave me such joy in holding little Eli and getting hugs from his older brother, Ethan.

Then I took the kids bowling. Some other friend, including Monica were there as well. It was such a pleasant time chatting with friends.

Then at 6:00pm my youth pastor and his family came over to help me mow the grass, trim some weeds, and cut down the small jungle that had taken over my backyard. There help was a huge blessing as well.

As Pastor Josh pulled weed after weed my heart was pierced. As I saw each weed and the root I felt like I was looking into my heart. How easy that the weeds wrap around and suffocate the good bushes, shrubs, and flowers. Just as easily as sin pushes the Lord out of my life. One weed had a huge long root (like 3 feet long.) We couldn't believe Pastor Josh had pulled it out, but he said it was shallow. It reminded me that sin has no place in my life, yes it may come in, but I can easily pull it out by calling on the name of the Lord.

God keeps literally sending me the same message about His love for me being enough right now and how He is sending me physical reminders in those who love me every single day. Today seeing those weeds was a further reminder that sin has no place in my life.

Even though I get God's message, please pray that I choose to live His way and not my way.


Saturday, July 11, 2009

blueberry picking

My mom and I took the boys blueberry picking last week. It was fun. They were organic blueberries as well.
my mom & Josh

four weeks already

Four weeks ago I discovered my older brother Eric had passed away. The first week flew by so fast. But as each day, and week passes it seems to become my reality more and more. I am accepting his death. But this feels worse than being in shock. Then I was numb, I didn't feel. But now the pain is so intense. I am so sad and angry and sick. I actually feel physically ill.

This is hard, too hard.

I miss him so.


thankful for emergency fund

In April my grandfather passed away. He lived in Ohio, so we needed to go there to say our good byes and be there for my grandmother. The trip cost about $800. This came from emergency money.

More recently I have experienced the passing of my older brother, Eric just 4 weeks ago actually. Well, since I am unable to get out of bed sometimes, the thought of going back to work seriously frightens me. Fortunately I still have an emergency fund in place so that I can just be but still can pay my bills. Even better I am able to help my younger brother who is also not going back to his main job yet (he had actually quit to take care of my grandmother which was so noble.)

If I was sinking in debt (we have none) or even living paycheck to paycheck these losses may have further brought me into despair if I could not take the time I need to grieve.

I can not stress enough how important an emergency fund is. I urge you to start today by thanking the Lord for a new day and finding TEN ways you can get $100 to open a savings account. Your goal is to have it at $1000, but start with $100. What can you sell on ebay, craigslist, etc. Any old gold you can sell? What can you cut from your budget? Do you have a jar with spare change? Cash it in. Call to see if you can get your car, house, life, etc. insurance policies decreased. Can you pick up a side job or even a temporary part time job (babysitting, house painting, etc?)

Every family needs at least $1,000 in an emergency fund at all times.
Paying off debt is important but just pay the minimum on all debt until you have at least $1,000 in a savings account (DO NOT KEEP THIS MONEY IN YOUR CHECKING ACCOUNT!)

This is my challenge to you. Please email me when you have figured out how to get $100 to start this emergency fund. I am praying you can have this by Fri. so you can open up a savings account!!!

I would be even worse off without my emergency fund. And of course the Lord, who loves us all so.


Wallet winner!!!

I had 9 people enter my blog contest to win a wallet:
1)my mom
5)my aunt Cathy
8)HS @ our debt blog

and our winner is...


You get to pick out your fabric for a custom wallet!


If you didn't win you can buy a wallet for $17 plus $3 shipping. Click here to purchase. It is so worth it!!!


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

couldn't do it

Today a friend from church invited us to a barbecue with some other friends. When I got there I let the boys run ahead but I just could not go in. I told my other friend to watch the boys and then I got out of there super fast. I felt like I was going to be sick. I was at that same friends house the day I discovered Eric had died. We were just there relaxing and having fun, all the while my brother was dead. So today I just could not do it. I couldn't go in the yard and pretend my life was ok.

I wanted to drive away and never come back, but I drove home and took a nap.

This is all too hard. I keep praying for strength to make it through each day, and I guess I am, but this really feels rotten.


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

totally vain

When I do a search on Eric I get all kinds of cool skate videos and messages and such. For me I get nothing. He always was my cool older brother, always will be. (Kev your cool too.)

Yet I sort of wish I could find something about me too. Of well, no news is good news I guess. (Yes, I can be vain.)

Monday, July 6, 2009

Doing anything

I want to do what is right, but it is hard to do anything at all.

I have to make a list each day:
take a shower
feed kids
do laundry

That's basically it. If I get that done, yipee.

I keep meaning to call my boss to talk about going back to work. But really I can't. Or I don't want to. Am I being lazy? I don't know. I am keeping busy. Today we went to two friend's houses. Tomorrow I have therapy, visit with a friend, and then maybe movies with kids, and then something with my mom at night. I keep busy so I am not home yelling or sleeping or being so angry.

But again today I chatted with my amazing friends who are helping me so. They gave me an assignment so to speak. Just one thing. It is so in my best interest (God has so confirmed that) yet still I can't. Well, actually I won't. I am not confused just stubborn and sinful. I want it my way!!! I want to have some control over anything.

Yet I know I do not, I need to remember God is in control and He has a better way for my life. I have until Wed. to complete this assignment, pray that I can do the right thing.

Dear Lord,

Help me to give all this pain and heartache and sin to you. Help me to just take solace in you and nothing else. Help me to be filled with your love and joy so I can be loving and joyful. Help me not to hurt others in this sad time of my life.

-In Jesus Name,


Saturday, July 4, 2009


You can comment here or on the original blog post

Hurry contest ends July 10th!!!


visiting with friends

The other night I had a visit from Duane. We dated for about a year, but had broken up in March. We are just both from different worlds (he is from NE and I am a Jersey girl.) Well, I really did miss him these past few weeks. So we starting talking again as friends. The other night he and two of his brothers (he has six brothers total) stopped by after a visit to Boston and New York. It was nice to see them all again. We all ate together. He did not tell his brothers my brother had died, I have no idea why, so when they were asking me about my family and stuff it was really weird. I didn't want to have to explain the whole thing, but I did not want to be cheery. I wanted to cry and shout, "my brother is dead!" But I didn't.

I hate when people don't know so they wonder why I am being so weird, or when they do know and ask me how I am. I just wish this wasn't real, so I would not have to wonder how each interaction with people might be. I love people, but lately do not want to be around them at all.

However a wonderful friend of mine, Sue, stopped by yesterday to chat. She is so loving and seems to have the right words to say. I love talking with her. I so needed her visit as the boys went to a barbecue at 2 and I fell asleep (thankfully my friend Leighann was watching the boys for me). I would have kept on sleeping forever, but she called and I knew a visit from her would be so helpful.

God is so good to provide me with such a wonderful support system in my family and friends. Even when I don't think I could possibly be around anyone God sends me the exact person who will lift my spirits.

Still I wish that I didn't need my spirits lifted. I still wish this was all a dream.


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

time is up

I feel like since it has been two weeks my grief has been forgotten. I didn't like all the,"How are you questions?" but now no one is asking anymore. It is like, "That happened two weeks ago, aren't you over it now?"

I am so not over it, I am so sad. All the places I have to go to he took me to in the past few months. Today I pulled into the parking lot of the post office that we went to the Friday before he died. It was a simple errand, no big deal. Yet I lost it yet again. I could see him driving me that day. I recall talking with him and how it was drizzling and his wiper blade motor was broke so he kept banging on the dashboard to make it work. It was funny to me.

If only I knew that was the last time we would drive together. If only I had talked with him about God or hope or anything serious. If only I had offered to pray with him. If only ... then maybe. Maybe he would still be here.

I am so grateful for the time I did spend with him in the past few months, yet angry at the reasoning behind it all. If we didn't have to spend so much time, then maybe?

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

All the maybe's in the world will not bring him back to us.

I feel like it is expected that my grieving time is up, yet I feel I have only just begun to grieve.

I saw on my mom's blog that it may a take a year to feel normal again. Is there really a time line to grieve, to get over this, to move on? Will there ever be a normal? No, our normal is Eric, Becky, Kevin, Samantha, & Tyler.

All these words swirl around in my head: normal, grieving, loss, sorrow, sadness, pain, and maybe. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I just don't want to feel this way.