Wednesday, July 1, 2009

time is up

I feel like since it has been two weeks my grief has been forgotten. I didn't like all the,"How are you questions?" but now no one is asking anymore. It is like, "That happened two weeks ago, aren't you over it now?"

I am so not over it, I am so sad. All the places I have to go to he took me to in the past few months. Today I pulled into the parking lot of the post office that we went to the Friday before he died. It was a simple errand, no big deal. Yet I lost it yet again. I could see him driving me that day. I recall talking with him and how it was drizzling and his wiper blade motor was broke so he kept banging on the dashboard to make it work. It was funny to me.

If only I knew that was the last time we would drive together. If only I had talked with him about God or hope or anything serious. If only I had offered to pray with him. If only ... then maybe. Maybe he would still be here.

I am so grateful for the time I did spend with him in the past few months, yet angry at the reasoning behind it all. If we didn't have to spend so much time, then maybe?

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

All the maybe's in the world will not bring him back to us.

I feel like it is expected that my grieving time is up, yet I feel I have only just begun to grieve.

I saw on my mom's blog that it may a take a year to feel normal again. Is there really a time line to grieve, to get over this, to move on? Will there ever be a normal? No, our normal is Eric, Becky, Kevin, Samantha, & Tyler.

All these words swirl around in my head: normal, grieving, loss, sorrow, sadness, pain, and maybe. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I just don't want to feel this way.

-Becky

5 comments:

Carlee said...

Hi Becky. I have been reading your blog for a while now, but I don't think I have ever commented. For some reason I was drawn to pray for you and keep up on how you are dong. I am a mom of 3, married to a pastor, just starting to homeschool. How you do all you do as a single mom is mind boggling to me, and I think you are inspiring. There is no time limit on grieving--the "process" is long, hard, and leaves you changed.

I can share with you, though, what got me through a death that occurred in the States while I was on a Mission Trip in Europe, serving fleeing Muslim women with my so-so French. Jesus, when He heard that John the Baptist had been be-headed, He went off by himself and grieved. But read what He did next from Matthew 14:

13When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. 14When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.

I believe that best way to allow our grief to not turn into depression or bitterness is to have compassion on the living and serve them. I don't believe for one minute that Jesus "got over" the beheading of his cousin and dear friend. But He chose to turn outward instead of inward.

That is so much harder to do than write. I can tell your grief is profound, deep, and has left an ache in your soul that feels endless. Even though no one is asking, and it seems like it's time to "Just get over it"--that is not the case. Ask for help, take time to be sad and go through sadness with your boys; but also pray that you would have Jesus' compassion for others and the strength to serve in the midst of your grief.

I hope these words are helpful to you. It's hard to communicate through technology sometimes. But know that this stranger who happened upon your blog is praying for you and cares.

Sincerely in the Lord,
Carlee

carlee@missiodeicc.org

Permission to Mother said...

Its barely been a few weeks. Torah/Bibically based grieving lasts a year for an immediate family member. Our modern rush, rush society doesn't even allow us a few days. We are suppose to be back to work in a few days, we are expected to be at social functions when we are greiving. It's not right.

And like Carlee said, there really is no time limit. While we may cope better with time, it may not be "normal" for things to get back to they way they were with our loved one.

Keep sharing.

Denise

jersey girl said...

Thanks Carlee, you wrote that so beautifully for my niece.

Becky, my heart is breaking for you, your mom, Grandma, and the entire family. Even when you can't pray, there are many who are standing in the gap for you. You just lay on the mat, as the paraplegic man did in Mark's gospel, and let your family and friends bring you to Jesus. Sorry, but a funny thought just crossed my mind, I hope we don't drop you when we lower you through the roof.

But seriously, take time for yourself. I am so happy to hear from Grandma that you keep calling her to ask to take her places. She had Eric over almost everyday the last few months and I can tell she sounds very confused, so thanks so much for reaching out to her even though you just want to stay in bed. I am off the next two weeks. IT would be wonderful if I could have the boys visit. IT would be so much fun to do kid things again with them. Perhaps we should serious consider having them visit, even if just one at a time.

Well take care, and sending out lots of hugs. I wish I could do more.

Love AUnt Cathy

Jeannette said...

Honey its still Eric, Becky, Kevin and Samantha, sorry its no longer Tyler, he went to a farm that he could run and have fun...

Eric will always be with us, mentally, in our hearts. We can think of him and laugh when he sang Happy Birthday when it was Joshuas Birthday, I never heard your brother sing so that was funny
or when he fought with Joshua

Heather said...

Now, more than 8 years after a loved one died, I am suddenly experiencing a memory, one that reminds me of how much I lost and am brought doubled-over to my knees. Being on my knees is a great position to pray and turn things over. I found whenever I shared honestly, someone was nodding, knowingly. When I withdrew, I felt alone. Today's sermon touched on grieving and the strengthening and healing of the heart. The ache will change, in God's time, not in the speed of the Parkway. ;-)
You are not alone. Continue to share and we will hold you as the arms of the Lord.
-Heather