Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Horrible day

Today is no good. I woke up yelling at my boys and I mean yelling. I was like a mad woman. I just feel my insides are mean and broken. I still feel horrible. I am trying to have fun and be fun for them, but I am still so sad.

I am in therapy and also have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week. I also am talking with some friends and that is helpful. Of course it is understandable why I am feeling this way. However it is not fair to my kids. I know God says it is ok to be sad and angry, but it is not ok to sin in that sadness and anger. I need to figure out how I can grieve while also being the mom they need. I am hoping the therapy and such will help with that.

I will say, my friend Duane is visiting from NE again. Last night we made a fire in my fire pit. The boys really enjoyed it and after I put them to bed Duane & I sat by the fire a few more hours. It was so nice to talk and cry and just be. I felt all my stress melt away (especially the stress I feel when I am trying to put boys to bed and they are yelling and getting up and such.)

It was nice. I so needed that. But it makes it harder to understand why I woke up so cranky.

I did go to physical therapy on my ankle again today as well. My ankle is still not fully healed and the pt is helpful. I am praying that my decision to have the surgery will prove to be fruitful, but right now I am still having some pain and difficulties daily.

I hate pity posts, so I will end now.

I still remember how blessed we are and still feel God's love in every day and in every situation. I just am having a hard time right now.

Thanks for listening!



Sarah said...

Becky - I also lost a brother, and this week have had a VERY hard time with it. It will be 2 years, August 6, which is the day after my birthday....

Gosh - I wish I could say it gets easier, but I think it's just bull to say that.... because here I am 2 years later, and miss him MORE today then I did yesterday.

I will say a prayer for you... I know about what you must feel, in some strange way.

About my brother: http://www.mostlybassackwards.com/search/label/remembering%20my%20brother

ElleBee said...

So glad that you are taking care of yourself and talking to a therapist. Know that you are in my prayers every day. Peace...

GAmomdb said...

Hi Becky

You have a lot on your plate right now and cannot realistically expect to always feel in control. I lost my youngest son in April of 08, so I do have an understanding of what you are trying to deal with.

I hope that you have a positive experience with the therapist. I found it to be a huge help in working through some of the feelings I was having. Some things do seem to get easier with time, but others pop up unexpectedly and knock me to my knees.

I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Donna from GA