Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I am in amazement that it will be April in 1/2 an hour. Actually I am amazed that I am 29 years old. I think sometimes where has the time gone.

I do not feel 29. I am not sure what 29 should feel like, but whatever that is I do not feel it.

I do feel in utter awe that God has blessed me with two amazing, amazing boys. Today Josh was sick and Jason was getting him drinks and even made him soup (because Josh wanted to lay on me.) I love them so much, it makes me cry. Ok, I am crying. They are so loving and forgiving. Yes, they are challenging!!! But still what did I do to deserve this life? Honestly, my life is good. Yes, I struggle with parenting, but God has allowed that mostly what I have to do is parent. HE has allowed my life to be easy in other areas so I can face the hard stuff. HE loves me so much. Plus in addition to HIM, I have an amazing support system in my family, friends, and church family.

I don't know why or how that is so hard to accept. I beat myself up every day, instead of going to HIM and starting over again the next day.

Yes, I mess up, yes, I need to change, but I have a fresh start EVERY SINGLE MORNING!!!

I just watched a sad movie and yes that gets me sort of weepy, but also it got me thinking about my choices in relationships. If I am honest with myself I will see that I have not really found love yet. Not the love in the Bible. That is intense. I am way too selfish to love anybody like that. I still can not fathom that God loves me that much. HE loves us all that much. From the newest baby to the oldest living person alive. From the murderer to the small innocent child. And we can't do anything to make HIM love us more or less. How AMAZING is that? Even if you can't comprehend it, like I can't, HIS love is still the absolute truth.

As I type that I wonder why that can't be enough for me? I wonder why I am searching for love on earth? Love that is tangible. HIS love is more powerful than any love on earth I could ever find.

But still I seek what I think love is. I realize my way just gets me hurt EVERY time. I wonder when I will learn. I wonder when I will get a glimpse of how HE sees me. Or actually, I wonder when I will realize HE does not see me merely by my sins, but HE sees the child HE created. HE knows I am a work in progress, and HE loves me anyway.

I pray that I desire a closer relationship with HIM; the relationship HE longs to have with me. I pray I realize He is more than I ever could need. I pray that I accept HIS love. And I pray that I can pass it on every single day!