Sunday, November 13, 2011

Still hurts

Today Jason's dad is visiting. I don't like to post too much about him (or Josh's dad) those are really their stories to tell.

But on my end I am feeling a bit stressed about it. He has not been here to see Jason in over a year. It saddens me that my boys do not having the dad's they deserve. But these visits create stress and anxiety in me, and in Jason. In fact Jason did not really want this visit. But I have tried very hard over the past few years to put my feelings aside and continually reach out to his dad and encourage him to be a part of Jason's life.

As I sit here preparing today for his visit I am struck of the feelings that this visit arises in me. First, I am sad. The honest truth is I wish that I was in a Godly marriage and so desperately want that for my boys (a dad who loves the Lord, me, and them.) Second, I am a bit mad. I am mad that he doesn't do more to show his son love. Also I am mad that I am parenting alone. It is such a hard job, especially with the special needs thrown in.

Now, don't get me wrong. I do not have love feelings for his dad. If I am honest with myself, I can say I never really did (it was more of a lust relationship. This was when I was just 17 and did not know Christ.) And I have forgiven him for all he has done (although it is still a struggle as he still does things that I need to forgive, so just by forgiving him for the past doesn't just end it.)

I am not usually wallowing in sadness, but it still hurts. As I reflect on the pain of having a child with a man (really a boy) and then having him betray me by cheating and then leaving for that woman (really a girl); I want to tell young teens how valuable sex is and that the pain of that sin will be with them their entire life. Yes, I am a stronger woman and I have learned many lessons through my life circumstances, but I still carry those memories with me.

As a teen I would never have imagined that choices I made would affect me at 20, 30, and beyond. But God knew, and He gave me instructions for living in the Bible. The Bible says that sometimes our children will suffer the consequences of our sin
Exodus 20:5 – “You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me.” (NIV)
Read some great thoughts on that here.

What I need to do now is continue to go to God in prayer, ask for healing, ask for Him to spare my children some of the consquences of my sin (which he has done so many times already,) and try to live each new day for Him completely, as His ways really are the best ways.


This was me in Dec. of 1996. I had just turned 17. I was a freshman in college. I was dating Jason's dad. One year later in Dec. of 1997 Jason was born.


~Carla~ said...

Life is hard sometimes isn't it? :( When the time is right I'm sure you'll have a marriage made & planned in heaven! :)

Kathy said...

I am so sorry that this causes you so much distress. I can certainly understand the mixed feelings that this causes you. It really isn't fair for you to have to do it all by yourself, especially with special needs thrown in. However, I think that you are truly an amazing mom! You ARE doing it by yourself, and you ARE doing a great job of it! Don't be so hard on yourself. I really think if more moms were like you, the world would be a much better place.

I do hope that someday you have that relationship and dad for the boys. Until then, just know that you rock motherhood, and God wouldn't have given you this important task if you were unable to do it.

Anonymous said...

I remember that Becky in the photograph! So honest, bright, and loving, and you still are.