I am in amazement that it will be April in 1/2 an hour. Actually I am amazed that I am 29 years old. I think sometimes where has the time gone.

I do not feel 29. I am not sure what 29 should feel like, but whatever that is I do not feel it.

I do feel in utter awe that God has blessed me with two amazing, amazing boys. Today Josh was sick and Jason was getting him drinks and even made him soup (because Josh wanted to lay on me.) I love them so much, it makes me cry. Ok, I am crying. They are so loving and forgiving. Yes, they are challenging!!! But still what did I do to deserve this life? Honestly, my life is good. Yes, I struggle with parenting, but God has allowed that mostly what I have to do is parent. HE has allowed my life to be easy in other areas so I can face the hard stuff. HE loves me so much. Plus in addition to HIM, I have an amazing support system in my family, friends, and church family.

I don't know why or how that is so hard to accept. I beat myself up every day, instead of going to HIM and starting over again the next day.

Yes, I mess up, yes, I need to change, but I have a fresh start EVERY SINGLE MORNING!!!

I just watched a sad movie and yes that gets me sort of weepy, but also it got me thinking about my choices in relationships. If I am honest with myself I will see that I have not really found love yet. Not the love in the Bible. That is intense. I am way too selfish to love anybody like that. I still can not fathom that God loves me that much. HE loves us all that much. From the newest baby to the oldest living person alive. From the murderer to the small innocent child. And we can't do anything to make HIM love us more or less. How AMAZING is that? Even if you can't comprehend it, like I can't, HIS love is still the absolute truth.

As I type that I wonder why that can't be enough for me? I wonder why I am searching for love on earth? Love that is tangible. HIS love is more powerful than any love on earth I could ever find.

But still I seek what I think love is. I realize my way just gets me hurt EVERY time. I wonder when I will learn. I wonder when I will get a glimpse of how HE sees me. Or actually, I wonder when I will realize HE does not see me merely by my sins, but HE sees the child HE created. HE knows I am a work in progress, and HE loves me anyway.

I pray that I desire a closer relationship with HIM; the relationship HE longs to have with me. I pray I realize He is more than I ever could need. I pray that I accept HIS love. And I pray that I can pass it on every single day!

-Becky

sleep update

Well, Jason woke up around 8:30am, so he slept almost 12 hours. He had a really good day too. I did not yell at all today. (I also did not have to go anywhere or do anything as Joshua is sick, so we all stayed home today.) Except I did go out at 1:50 to take both boys to doctor to be tested for strep. We will see how that turns out in a few days.

Joshua had a fever almost all day. He is asleep now (another victory as he was asleep by 9:00pm.)

Jason is almost asleep, I hope that he will be by the time I am done typing so I can fold laundry and watch tv (our only tv is in living room which is right next to his room. If he is still up he listens to what I am watching and does not go to sleep.)

But I am in awe of how calm my house is right now. For so long night time was a nightmare for me! And I am sure the boys not getting enough sleep just makes them more tired for next day and so on.

Hopefully we can get a full week of being asleep by 9:00pm, and getting up around 8:00am. I want to get back on a better schedule.

-Becky

Jason had an early night

Jason was asleep by 9:00pm. Yeah!!!

Usually he is asleep by 12:00am, sometimes later. He goes to bed around 9:00pm. He has a routine which includes no tv after 7:30 (usually), reading in bed, then lights out by 10:00pm. But even then his mind just does not shut off. Then sometimes he has trouble staying asleep as well.

I pray he sleeps all night and is well rested tomorrow.
He usually gets up between 7:30am-9:00am. I will see about tomorrow.

-Becky

Yeah Joshua

Joshua actually read this book to me tonight, not just from memory, but actually from knowing most of the words or sounding them out. I am so proud of him.

-Becky

Joshua got to be goalie

We just got back from Joshua's soccer game. He got to be goalie. He did great. I wish I had brought my camera. He is very proud of himself, and so am I.

Now we are going to clean the house for an hour. Then at 4:30, I have to leave for work.

-Becky

p.s. not that it matters but his team won 3-1 (ok it matters a little)

In case you were wondering

Just wanted to update about my friend Duane. If you recall we met online in Aug. 2007. Well after many phone calls, emails, and letters we met for the first time last Dec.
We continued to communicate in 2008 and had more live visits. Duane decided to try living here and in Feb. he moved to NJ.
This made me quickly realize that I am not ready for a relationship and he has since gone back to Nebraska.

I need to be closer to the Lord and have a more solid relationship with HIM. My daily time with him is no longer daily.

I also need to work on me. I need to be calmer, eat healthier, and exercise.

Until I feel I am closer to the Lord (knowing I am always a work in progress) I do not feel I am ready to be dating. I want to be equally yoked to someone better than the person I am today. Yes, I am proud of myself for all I am and do; but for God, myself, and my boys I can do better.

-Becky

I am having surgery and some venting

I will be having surgery on my ankle. It is scheduled for April 16th. I am scared, but mostly worried as it is hard enough to parent with two good ankles.

My kids have me so stressed out.

Jason has some special needs (he was born with), and he has some environmental stuff (his dad and I not being together, all the back and forth, my stress, etc.), but he also manipulates me. It is very hard to tell which is which and deal with each accordingly. I do not want to discipline him for something that he can't control (i.e. being overstimulated and needing a break), yet at times I think he uses that to get his way. AHHHH!!!

I feel like I am drowning. I don't know what to do.

Here is my ideal:
a week long vacation without kids to
2 days to clean entire house
3 days visiting a dear friend I miss very much
2 days resting and reading

Then I want a personal supernanny to live with us after that, a Christian one at that.

But instead I will have surgery and hope that my kids don't get any more out of control.

The good news is that I am having surgery, there is hope my ankle will not be in so much pain after it heals, and I do not have any out of pocket expenses (yet.)

Please keep me in prayer, especially on April 16th when I will have the surgery. Also pray for my mom who is so busy yet still helps me so much!

-Becky

my week

My week:

Mon.-Fri.
Josh to school 8:30am / pick him up at 2:55pm

Mon., Wed., Fri. (this will be for the next two weeks)
8:45am-12:00pm Jason standardized testing

Mon.
12:00pm-Jason doctor
1:15pm Jason gym class

Tues. & Thur.
9:00am-2:30pm homeschool co-op

Tues.
2:20pm-ankle doc again
5-6pm soccer
6-7pm aerobics

Wed.
church 6-8pm

Fri.
work 9:00am-5:00pm
6-7pm soccer
7-11pm possibly work at Temple

Sat.
am soccer
5:00 work babysitting (I so need this money.)

What does you week look like?

-Becky

this weekend

Yesterday we left my house a little after 5:00am and did not get home until after 9:00pm. Jason had a competition for Odyssey of the Mind. His team came in 3rd place so we are going on to the state competition on April 25th. I was really impressed with how well he did. He was well behaved and on his game almost all day (we all had, had it by about 3:00.)

Today I was too tired to get up for church. I know this does not help with my walk with the Lord.

I did go and use my gift certificate that I got for Christmas to get a massage. I also paid for an eyebrow wax and foot detox. The massage was great! I feel so good.

The detox thing was weird, but interesting. I am just learning about such things. I have been drinking hot lemon water as a detox for the past few weeks. It taste good. It also helps me to relax, as I actually sit for a few minutes while I drink it. I do know my diet is horrible, so I am going to start with baby steps to improve my overall health.

Goal for this week:
15 min. in am with the Lord
8 ounces hot water with half a lemon in am
6 8 ounce glasses of water throughout day
8 ounces hot water with half a lemon in pm
15 min. in pm with the Lord
NO FAST FOOD ALL WEEK (this has become a bad habit of ours.)

I think the time with the Lord is crucial for my overall health as well.

I will update as the week goes on. -Becky

update

I saw my doctor Tues. and even he is unsure as to whether surgery will bring me a great improvement on my ankle. So he sent me for an MRI. I had it Wed. evening. (FYI DO NOT BRING YOUR TIRED KIDS WITH YOU TO GET AN MRI, TRUST ME!) I am going back to the doctor on Tues. at 2:20 so my doctor can decide about the surgery. I will post more about that on Tues.

-Becky

Prayer Request

Two years ago on Feb. 14, 2007 I slipped and broke my right ankle. It never healed properly and it still hurts almost daily. It is not excruciating pain, just annoying. It also limits some of the things I can do (sitting on floor playing a certain way, etc.)
I finally got the place where I fell to agree to pay the $15,000 surgery bill to have a pin put in. Now my dilemma is should I really have the surgery. My own doctor said there is a 50% chance that I will still be in slight pain. Some people I have talked to say the pin is great, they are fine. Others regret having had a pin and want it removed.

So I am in prayer about what to do. I have an appointment with my doctor on Tues. at 2:50pm.

If I have the surgery it means 3 months of being in a cast (hard, then soft.) Which means no driving for me. Also I will be unable to work (but I am getting money to cover my cost of living.)

If I do not have the surgery I will still get the money, as it is for pain & suffering not the actual surgery, so I really am unsure what to do. I would hate to spend $15,000 and 3 more months of my life to feel the same as I do now. But I also would like to feel better than I do.

Please pray that I clearly see what God wants me to do and if He wants me to have the surgery when I should do so (April or Sept.) Thanks!

-Becky

Leave a comment if you have any advice

hanging out today

Jason getting ready for Odyssey
Joshua in tree

update on I messed up again

Seeing as I overspent over $1000 in Feb. I needed to assure that behavior would not continue and that all my accounts were reconciled. I balanced all my accounts yesterday. I was able to keep my freedom account fully funded for one year. I am current on all my bills. I bought all the supplies I need for co-op and teamkid's. I still have $600 in a cd for car repairs if needed. I still have $500 in another cd for my emergency fund. This absolutely has to be more, but at least it would pay my rent for one month if needed. All gifts I need to buy are bought. All non groceries that I need are bought (I even have shampoo to last me the next six months which I got a great deal on at CVS -Garnie Fructis are 3 for $10 with $5 back in cvs dollars, I bought 6 and got $10 CVS bucks back.) I also bought supplies to make homemade laundry soap, and extra to sell at co-op. [Last month I made $62.10 selling the laundry soap at co-op (after supplies.)Yipee!]

I redid my budget for March and as of right now I only need to come up with an extra $50 to pay all bills for this month. I hope to sell a few things that I no longer need to make up the difference. Actually we are going to have a yard sale in the beginning of April at my Grandmothers house (she is selling her house), so hopefully I will make up the $50 there.

I feel good that all is reconciled and current. I am at work right now and am going to a Chinese Auction tonight (it is already paid for.) My mom has my boys all day, so even though I am at work I am excited to be without them all day (THANKS MOM!)

Tomorrow Jason's dad is visiting from 10:00-12:30; then Jason has Odyssey practice from 1:00-3:30. Then we have nothing for the rest of the day (yeah!!!) and no plans Sunday other than church (yeah!!!) I hope to spend some time outside, relaxing, and even take a nap on Sunday. I need some down time and some special time with my boys.

What are your weekend plans?

-Becky

cloth diapers & mama cloth

Primm n' Proper Baby
Custom & One-of-a-Kind Handmade Cloth Diapers and Menstrual pads

Meaghan is a great Christian work at home mom who makes cloth diapers and mama pads that I love. She has 4 kids and she homeschools, she is trying to stay at home by selling homemade diapers and mama pads.

So if you need any cloth menstrual pads or diapers, please order from her.
I love her 14" fleece lined menstrual pad (not too hot I swear-it is so comfortable.)
They are about $14 each. But they are good 3-5 years!!!
My friend Courtney loves her cloth diapers. She uses them on two of her kids (the only two in diapers.) She has reviewed them on her blog as well.

Go to her Etsy site here.

She is super nice. Tell her you know me, and you can custom order any size you want, and any colors of outer fabric.

-Becky

Messed up again

Well, after giving myself some mad money from my tax refund, I forgot to stop spending. In Feb., after spending the $100 mad money, I spent alot more on unbudgeted for and unnecessary things. Here is the list:

$100 Rain Forest Cafe
$25 girl scout cookies
$17 earrings for me
$35 Target-misc stuff
$15 adoption donation
$17 Burger King
$47 Chinese food
$42 K-Mart (on a housewarming gift)
$55 food store (over budget)
$100 Wal-Mart -misc stuff & clothes for brother Matthew
$5 Wawa
$14 Taco Bell
$30 Chinese Auction school fundraiser
$5 Blockbuster
$30 post office (mailing brother stuff)
$44 Barnes & Noble (homeschool stuff, but overbudget)
$60 Christianbook (resources for me)
$20 MCDonalds
$9 Walgreens
$70 Cd's for Joshua (educational)
$300 Baby shower gift (starter set of size small cloth diapers)

$1040 total

YIKES!!!

I totally spent way too much on eating out (about $200.) But Duane was here for almost all of Feb. so we ate out alot. Plus I have always wanted to eat at Rain Forest Cafe, so that was a special treat. We ate out twice as much, but he paid the other times. No wonder I have gained about 5 lbs. this month. That needs to stop!!!

The baby shower gift was alot, however the woman who makes the cloth diapers is a Christian mom who homeschools her four kids, she does not work outside the home and since I think this is awesome I want to help support her efforts.

The scary thing is that I am not really sure where all this money came from (I do know where $650 of it came from.) I am current on all bills. My freedom account is still fully funded for 1 year. I have $600 in an account for any car repairs. I have $500 in an emergency fund (this needs to be more.)

But it is disappointing as I could have put it in emergency fund or in a retirement account. Or heck gone on a trip instead of buying lots of little stuff. It is a reminder that all the little stuff adds up. I think I am going to go back to no debit card and pay cash only, so I can't pull out my card for unbudgeted stuff.

Thanks for helping to keep me accountable.

-Becky

update on my sister's adoption

click here to see some new video from my sister's daughter, Anna, in Russia. Also please pray for the entire adoption process and little Anna in Russia waiting for her mom and dad. And if you can please make a contribution to there adoption fund through there blog. They are willing to do the hard work in raising this little girl, does God perhaps want you to be a part in bringing her home? -Becky

March budget

Income:
Jason $386 ($96.50 weekly)
Joshua $170 ($85 bi-weekly)
Office Work $500
Childcare $260
Temple $ 50

Total $1366

Expenses:
*Tithe $120
Savings $
Offering $ 70 (Compassion Child $35 / Solutions $25 / F.O.F. $10)
*Rent $500
Car Repairs $
*Car insurance $ 80 (due 3/13)
Gas for car $120
*Allowance $ 64
Electric bill $105
*Phone $ 24 (for basic phone only with taxes)
Non groceries $ 30 (contact stuff, misc.)
Freedom account $100
*HSLD $ 11
Food $142
Clothes $ 0
Spending $ 0

Total $1366

we've been waiting for a...

SNOW DAY!!!

Jason
Joshua sledding
Me in snow gear