Eric after a skateboard mishap. He was pleased with himself.
Last night I was watching tv and a scene came on that had me in hysteric tears. For a split second I forgot, and wondered why I was crying. Then it hit me with such intensity that Eric was gone.
Really?
How could I have a bother who died? I wanted to pretend it couldn't be true as I tried so hard to do when I first learned about his death.
But I can't. It is true.
I am trying so hard to be a better person, closer to the Lord, a better mom, daughter, sister, and friend.
But no matter how many positive changes I make or good days I have, he is still gone.
I can't just go on with my life, because my life is no longer the same. I have to find a way to go on in this new life. This life that Eric is not in.
I could never imagine before that 10 months after a death I could still be so raw with emotion.
Yet here it is almost 10 months since we learned the horrible news, and yet my heart still aches. I long to hear his voice and talk about anything with him. It still is so hard!
-Becky
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Eric
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2 comments:
It's hard to explain to people. The tears come at the damndest times, and often without warning.
I've experienced this with several close deaths. I think it's simply layers of grief, and each time i can feel the raw emotion and cry, another layer of grief is gone.
You're right, you have to find a way to live the life you have now. Like it as not, the active [deceased person's name] chapter is over. Some days that makes sense on a logical level, and your emotions stay quiet, and other days, your emotions just aren't ready to accept that as a reality, and the pain of having to confront the fact that this person will never again come up and talk to you slaps you in the face and rips your heart out.
I'd like to say it gets easier. But i don't think it does get easier; rather, i think i've become more aware that this can and will happen, although with some long-ago deaths, i find that it happens less frequently. Certain situations tend to bring it to the fore, or the odd look or item that so and so would love, and i'd buy it in a second if so and so were still on the planet to receive it.
My love for these people didn't stop the day they left the planet. It's still there, i still miss them and love them. I wish i could pick up the phone and call them. Or send them a card. Or simply be in the same space with them.
The terrain, while not easy to navigate, becomes more familiar.
megan
Megan, your words are so touching, I swear you should be a writer
Becky,
Last week was my turn to be on a roller coaster ride of emotions. It sucks when your emotions take over and your stuck in endless sadness. This week I decided I wanted to live in life. Eric is dead, he isn't coming back, we can talk to him, hey at least he can't be negative when he talks back,, sometimes I see him in other people, one day I swear this guy in a black tahoe was waving to me, if it wasn't Eric it sure was a great image of him.
Here is what you have to decide, do you want to spend your days living for the dead or living for the people living. You have two boys that need, want and desire your every breath. You have all of us that support, love and think your terrific. You still bring so much energy and God's spirit into a room.
I am not the same person, I never will be, my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I can't let this cripple me, as easy as that would be for me I can't and won't. You have to decide what part of life will Eric still be and what part will you move forward without him. You once again have to live for now, it's hard for all of us but we will survive.
Your boys are such wonderful, beautiful children, show them how to survive in all circumstances
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