Almost 6 months

In two days it will have been 6 months since Eric died. Sometimes I think I am ok, but other days it is as if I am discovering the tragic news all over again. It was so hard at Thanksgiving not having Eric there, especially since at Thanksgiving I always try to get a photo of my mom's children so I can give her that as a gift on Christmas. This year I could not even try to bring myself to touch my camera. Why would my mom want a picture with just some of her kids? It is not the same.

It is so hard to go on at times. Some days I am fine, but others I want to stay in bed and be alone. But being a single mom of two kids does not allow that.

I am in therapy, actually I have been attending therapy and a healing class as well. I realize that even before Eric died I have so much pain from my past that I am allowing to control my future. I need that to stop.

I know it is ok to be sad about Eric, I think I would be strange if I was not sad, but sometimes it is so much more than sad. It is like my heart is hurt and bruised, my insides are knotted and contorted. It is like I can't stand up straight from all the pain inside. And it is hard because I look the same on the outside, but my insides are just not right.

I don't think things will ever go back to the way they were, as Eric will always be gone, so I have to learn to live differently. I have to be content in what I do have and find joy regardless of life's circumstances. I know that I can only do that through the Lord. He is hurting with me and He wants to fill me to overflowing with His love. I need to go to Him more to be filled up. And to ask Him to help fill that void that losing Eric has caused. And know I will never be the same again, but that I have to find another way to go on. And amidst all the sadness I need to try and find laughter as well.

That is the best I can hope for.

-Becky