Saturday, December 19, 2009

More grieving

I spent all day Thur doing not too much. We did some school work and baked some muffins. The boys and I spent time together. I was pretty calm and didn't yell. I even brought some of the muffins to our new eccentric neighbor.

But Friday I tried to have another calm day but Jason was not cooperative. He has been sick, or sad, or not himself lately. He had a headache again Wed. night and apparently he has had it for awhile.

That makes me feel all the more horrible to hear. He is my son and I am not even aware that he has felt like "his head is exploding" for awhile, he said maybe even for a month.

I am trying. I desire to draw closer to the Lord daily, be the mom He wants me to be, and create a calm, loving, home that my boys feel at peace in. But this is almost the opposite of how it has actually been lately. It is hard.

My grief seems to be more intense. I feel disconnected from the world, and am ok with that. I sit here typing and my mind is consumed with Eric. But my boys didn't cause his death and they are grieving too. They need so much more than I am able to give right now. NONE of this makes sense.

Eric's death was so senseless. Him dying has just caused so much pain. My mom, brother, sister, and I are so hurt and more disconnected. I can barely have a conversation with my mom or Kevin. It seems we are always at different stages. If I am having an ok day and try to have a normal conversation they may not be having the same type of day or vice versa. Or I don't want to hurt them further or myself for that matter.

Again nothing makes much sense.

I found a good site if you need to know what to do with helping someone dealing with a death like this.

But I really hope no one else is going through losing a sibling!



Girl of True Heart said...

I am so so very saddened for your loss. If you can, think of the good memories you had together. Talk about him or write about him here. Keeping his memory alive sometimes brings a comfort.