not sure

Well, I am in a daze having just woken up, but I sure do love sleeping in. So many things are changing lately I think it has gotten me a bit down as well as excited. The boys are officially done with school. They are elated to have the summer off. Josh did cooperate at his preschool graduation. He also was thrilled to spend time with Uncle Kevin and his dad.
Yes, Josh's dad (my ex husband) is here in NJ. He has come once a year for the past 5 years, so this is only his 5th visit ever with Joshua, but they do talk on the phone about once a month. It is so strange how Joshua loves his dad, it is sweet, but also heartbreaking for me too, he deserves a dad everyday, so does Jason. I remember being a child and thinking the world of my dad too. Now I know the truth that he was full of broken promises, but my stepfather, Gary really was my dad, he was there everyday for us. He did fun stuff with us and cared about us everyday! That is love, not having to but caring anyway! I pray that I will find that for my boys, but not just for them, but for me too.

So having Jose (Josh's dad, and my ex husband) here is hard for me too. It makes me remember stuff that I don't think about too often. I remember the good times we had. Then I remember the day he left and then months later the day I realized he left (up until then I was waiting for him to come home.) Now I know that I am blessed he left, he was not the man I thought he was, but still grieving the dream lost (the fantasy) is still there sometimes. And I do not harbor any negativity towards him, actually I pray for him daily, so when he visits it is like old friends getting together. I know that many can not understand this, and honestly either do I, but this is my reality right now. No I do not want to get back with Jose or am I delusional that he wants to. I am very happy dating Duane. This is really not about the present or the future, this is about the past. And we all know our pasts don't just go away, we have to overcome then so we can grow and move on. I think just a little (or a lot) I still have some overcoming to do. Not just with Jose but with all my past dating relationships (all 3 I have had in my life, first boyfriend, big Jason, & Jose.)

Anyway, that has been my week. Today is Saturday and we are relaxing, then going to a 5 year old birthday swim party, then at 5:00 I am going to work. Have a great weekend yourself! -Becky