Dream about Eric

Last night I had a strange dream. Eric was in it. He was his normal self. He was trying to help me figure something out. He was yelling at me (he talked like that sometime, half yelling, half annoyed, even that I miss.) I need to pray because I want to be sure I got his message right.

I am so sad. The boys did everything right today. They were ready on time and are even doing school work as I type. But yet I am so sad.

I just read my mom's blog post. My heart aches for her, for us all. I can't help her. I can love her and be there for her, but only God can be what she really needs.

I recall the first hours and days that I had learned Eric was gone. I was convinced everyone was wrong and he was in the hospital recovering. I thought did they try and save him? Or was he hiding for some reason? Silly, I know, but my brain could not process him being gone.

I still am not sure I am there. I want to believe he will show up at my house and talk with Jason or fight with Joshua or help me with a home project. I want this so badly.

I also want to think about others and there needs, I know there are so many, but I can't. I am so wrapped up in my own head, my boys, that is it. I can't be the girlfriend, the friend, the teacher, even the mom everyone needs. Sometimes I can't even be. God is getting us through each day, but it is so hard.

I want to be His servant, yet my heart is so empty. I know that only He can fill it. Thankfully He has me on auto pilot, maybe someday I can get off auto pilot and stop auditing life?

-Becky