Friday, September 18, 2009

Dream about Eric

Last night I had a strange dream. Eric was in it. He was his normal self. He was trying to help me figure something out. He was yelling at me (he talked like that sometime, half yelling, half annoyed, even that I miss.) I need to pray because I want to be sure I got his message right.

I am so sad. The boys did everything right today. They were ready on time and are even doing school work as I type. But yet I am so sad.

I just read my mom's blog post. My heart aches for her, for us all. I can't help her. I can love her and be there for her, but only God can be what she really needs.

I recall the first hours and days that I had learned Eric was gone. I was convinced everyone was wrong and he was in the hospital recovering. I thought did they try and save him? Or was he hiding for some reason? Silly, I know, but my brain could not process him being gone.

I still am not sure I am there. I want to believe he will show up at my house and talk with Jason or fight with Joshua or help me with a home project. I want this so badly.

I also want to think about others and there needs, I know there are so many, but I can't. I am so wrapped up in my own head, my boys, that is it. I can't be the girlfriend, the friend, the teacher, even the mom everyone needs. Sometimes I can't even be. God is getting us through each day, but it is so hard.

I want to be His servant, yet my heart is so empty. I know that only He can fill it. Thankfully He has me on auto pilot, maybe someday I can get off auto pilot and stop auditing life?



Tina said...

Becky I have been praying for you guys. I feel so for all of you. When my mom died, there were days I would think..they told me she is ogne, but no she is really in a hospital and never coming home and they just don't want me to know it. She died when I was just 16 and that was in 71 and I still think some days,,hey maybe it was all a cover up...I still dream about her and tell God some days..can you tell Mom this or that for me..time made it less a sharp pain and just a more dull one, but never the less a pain..always that empty hole only she can fill. Finally i can remember the happy times etc and smile about her. So know I am praying for you guys and especially your mom, I cannot imagine her grief and wish I could do something to help her.

In Christ..Tina