Monday, June 29, 2009

two weeks into this nightmare

Today (Sunday, not Monday) my mom, brother Kevin, and boys went to a different church.

Then we all, plus my stepfather, Scott, Eric's girlfriend, Karrie, and my sister, Samantha went to Eric's to eat lunch, clean, and take care of the dogs. It was my job to clean the bathroom. I did get the job done (except the tub.) But it was so hard. I had to question everything. "Should I throw away his used tooth brush?" "Can I let these used q-tips go as they were used by Eric?" I know ridiculous, but still hard.

I am so surprised at the immense amount of energy it takes me to get through the day. Some days, it is all I can do to get up, and see that the boys are fed and entertained and safe.

I have ambitions to do other things, but they do not happen.

I am still in physical therapy 3 times a week for an hour and a half. I go about half an hour away and it is in the am, this is good as it gets me out of bed. Other days I stay in bed as long as I can. This has been a struggle my entire adult life as I am by nature a night person. So I love sleeping in. But sleeping in till 9am may be ok, till 2pm or 3pm, scary. In addition I am having trouble falling asleep, sometimes I am still up at 3am or 4 am.

My friends, Leighanne, Joanna, and Monica have been amazing in taking my boys alot. They have even assured I have been cared for as well. Others have made offers of food and childcare. It is all so appreciated.

Still my heart is very sad and angry right now and it is affecting how I interact with the boys. I am yelling at them for almost everything they are doing. Even stuff that kids just do. Please pray as they deserve so much better.

I am not drawing closer to God. I am backsliding. I am trying to fill this void that I know only He can fill with food, sleep, and even a past relationship. I need to find a way back to Him, yet I feel stuck.

Pray that I have motivation to spend time with Him, even if I have to do it in bed (since I like it there so much. lol.) It is so weird in that I know the right thing to do, spend time with God, yet it is so hard to actually do it.

Thanks again for all your prayers, love, and support.



Jeannette said...

I think we were expecting Eric to be there, somewhere in our mind maybe we thought he would be just sitting there, thats why we went.

I really wish we could fast forward, I know somewhere down the road this is suppose to get easier,

it just really really sucks..

sylvia said...

hi Becky
i do my best praying in bed....sometimes i whisper, sometimes i just say the words in my mind. i know He can hear me. it's easy to be honest with yourself in the dark, when no one but God is around you. and what you are feeling is perfectly fine.....there is nothing wrong with wanting to crawl under the covers and pretend you are 3.

i hope your friends and family can help you get some of these feelings out.....i like to go sit by the river and just listen to the water as it rushes by. hopefully you have a spot you like to go to, besides the bed lol, and just let the wonders of God's creation roll over you. have a good yell at Him too, if you need to. i hate that whole free will thing that He gave us, but it's part of who we are. so yes He lets us make mistakes even as we are saying, Hey, you were supposed to take care of things.

you and your family are part of my prayers every day.