Sunday, June 21, 2009

How quickly the world changes

Last Sunday I was so excited as I drove myself to church. (First time driving in about 11 weeks.) I am still in a walking boot, but I had started physical therapy and my physical therapist said I could try and drive. After church I took my boys to a friend's to go swimming.

All the while I was calling my brother to see if he was with my other brother. It wasn't until about 4:00pm I realized they were not together. This did not sit well with me. I then began searching for my brother. I tried to make it fun, stopping for ice cream for the boys so they would not sense my apprehensions.

The sinking feeling I had inside was right on. Sunday night about 8:30pm Kevin discovered that Eric was gone. Kevin tried to get to me as quick as he could, but my cousin arrived at my home first. All of a sudden my house was a flurry of activity filled with cousins, friends, and my pastor. It didn't really make any sense.

It still does not make any sense. Here it is Sunday again. I don't really know what happened to the past week. I recall some sleeping, some tears, hugging about 200 people, some I had never met. Was it a dream that some family and friends loaded Eric into a hearse and someone drove him away? When are they bringing him back?

I feel like I am in the twilight zone. I feel sick and numb, yet so angry inside. I don't want to be around anyone, including my boys. All the joy I have ever known is gone.

I don't want to go outside and see the sun shining. I don't want to hear people chatter about this and that. I want to scream and make this nightmare all go away.

-Becky

7 comments:

Jeannette said...

you feel the same way we all do, its never going to feel the same, but we must understand that Josh and Jason cannot and should not be punished because of this

ElleBee said...

Just keep doing what you're doing, grieving and remembering. Hang in there and know that lots of people are praying for you.

Joye @ The Joyeful Journey said...

My heart and prayers continue to go out to you!! I know that God is walking with you through this and I pray you see His hands holding your family together.

sylvia said...

becky, i can't possible know your pain....but i can pray that the Lord holds your hand through all this and allows you to see the shining face of your dear brother in the faces of your own boys. you can keep Eric alive in your hearts by telling your sons how wonderful he was....

i think of you and your family every day....
sylvia

Wife to the Rockstar said...

Grief is a terrible thing. One day soon you will not feel like this. And in time, it does get better. I know that is hard to even think about right now.

It is okay to be where you are. You need to be.

Brianisarockstar said...

Becky,

I am so sorry. We are praying for you and your family at during this time. The joy will return .... it is just going to take time

Zombie said...

Exactly how I feel right now.