Sunday, June 7, 2009

Different Tone

I try to be very upbeat and positive in this blog, however that is not always my reality. Today I am not upbeat and positive. Today I am a bit down. I have not been to a church service in weeks. I still can not drive and have serious cabin fever. I hate relying on people to take me everywhere (although I appreciate them all so much, I also feel like I am imposing on them.)

I am upset with my kids. They do not listen to me or respect me. I hate yelling, but feel like I do it all to often.

Last night after yard sale we went to our friends down the street (they picked us up.) The kids went swimming and played and we had dinner there. We always all have a good time together, yet the nights we do spend together tend to be late nights. As much fun as we have it is always really hard on my kids going to bed that night and then getting up next day.

Well, Jason's room is a mess. He had friends over the other day and it still is not clean. Their room is very small (7' x 11'), so they have to keep it clean. Right now you can not even walk in there as legos cover the floor.
So I told Jason last night today when he gets up today he is to take his medicine, eat breakfast, and start cleaning up legos.

Now, there is where my flaw comes in, I like to sleep in. No, I love it. In my world my day starts at 10am. Anything before that and I can not be responsible for my actions (really.) Anyway this morning I heard the boys up around 9:00am (I was still in bed.) They are 11 and 6 so they can get themselves breakfast and hang out a bit while I sleep in (I wish anyway.) Well, I called to Jason to come to my room. He did. I said, "you are supposed to be working on your room." He said, "It's already done." Ok, great. I rolled over and half slept/half lazed in bed another hour.

Then around 10:00am I got up, but only to discover not only was Jason's room exactly like it was before, the living room was also trashed with the juice boxes and chips they had had for breakfast (they know that they are allowed to eat cereal, fruit, or oatmeal only in the am.) Ok, I lose it, still not fully awake I start screaming and more. Jason jumps into his bed knowing full well I can't reach him even if the room was spotless. This makes my blood boil. I literally am in tears and hating being a mother.

Now, this is where I realize (for the 100th or so time) that I can not sleep in, my boys always do the wrong thing when I do so and obviously they have no respect for me and I have no control over them. But now I don't want to do the right thing. I don't want to calmly do anything. I just want to scream. I want to jump out the window, hobble away (as I can barely walk, let alone run on this walking boot) and NEVER come back.

This parenting thing is hard. It is never about me. I try to make it fun for my boys. I try to be there for them. I try to enforce consequences and positive reinforcement. But it seems that when all is said and done they need so much more parenting than I am capable of.

I love the idea of being home with my boys and homeschooling and doing projects and learning with and from them. I actually think raising kids is the most important job.

But I do not love the talking back and lying and disrespect. It makes me feel so out of control, I just can't take it.

Right now I blog as I fear any response I give my kids will not be a Godly way to handle conflict. I am empty. I have not gone to God to fill me in so long. I am further away in my walk with Him than I have ever been (since I came to know Him.) This is no one's fault but my own. God desires to spend time with me everyday. He waits on me, He wants to fill me, yet I let other things fill that time. I know the answers to help me: daily time with God, daily time in prayer, daily exercise (once I can resume doing so), and daily routine that includes going to bed by 11pm, and getting up at 7am. It seem so simple, and when I do these things my life runs so much smoother. Yet still it is my life struggle to do these things.
I am selfish, I am a sinner. I want it my way, even though my way leads to destruction. And the worse part is my kids are paying the consequences of my sin.

I just told Jason I will be in his room at 1:30pm. If anything is on the floor still I will take it away for good. I was calm in telling him so. He tried to argue that his bed and shelves and such are on his floor and he can't do anything about that. I did not respond, yet restated I will be in there at 1:30 to take any items still left on the floor, then I asked him to leave my room. On his way out he tried to argue that Josh is not doing anything. I have Josh sitting in my bed, unable to play or anything for fighting with his brother and eating junk this morning. I did not respond to Jason at all.

I am not sure if throwing toys away as a consequence is right, but it is better than yelling or worse saying a bad word (which I also have been known to do.)

Please, I need prayer. Lots of it. Pray I would stick to the routine He wants for my life of daily time with him and a daily sleep routine. Pray my heart will be cleansed of all my selfish thoughts and my tongue speak only in love, not in anger.
I am trying to memorize James 1:19 "That we would be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." Pray that that would be in my heart and mind.