where do I live?

I am living in this weird state of alternative universe lately.

The day my brother died I ended up sleeping at my mom's. My brother, Kevin, and I slept on her couches (sorry, Kev, that I took the bigger one.) I think I fell asleep about 3 am, and woke about 6 or 7. When I woke up I was pretending it was Christmas morning. That would rationalize why I was sleeping at my mom's. Like we were all just there to celebrate.

Then when that didn't work in my mind I just kept praying it was all a mistake and they were going to resuscitate Eric at the hospital. Or maybe God would raise him as Jesus did with the sleeping child or Lazarus.

I guess now I realize he is dead and is not going to come back to us. Yet, still my mind is all jumbled. I am living in this fantasy world. I really do not know what day or time it is. I feel half asleep half the time, fully asleep the other half. Plus I am really wishing I could run. Like take a trip alone where no one knows me or my real reality. Where I can create the truth of my life.

Please pray for my boys, I have not been fun in a long time, but this is worse. I am not even present for them. As I type Josh is calling me, yet it really just is annoying (he is supposed to be in bed, it is after 9.) It makes my ears hurt. I don't want to be responsible for myself let alone two boys who don't understand why there world is turned upside down.

I did take them swimming at a friend's yesterday and then to see UP. Today Scott took them to a fire drill competition. They enjoyed that. Then Jason went to his friends and Josh played in puddles and watched a movie. We got pizza for dinner (thanks Joanna for the pizza gift card.) But still I feel like I am watching all that and not actually participating in it.

I guess I am just trying to make any sense of my thoughts. Trying to understand if I am not living in reality, then where am I living?


-Becky