Monday, August 10, 2009

Day 4 and 5 of VBS

Well, I made it through the week. It was tough for me. But I was also blessed by being with the children at VBS. Thur. night we had our parents night show and Jason actually did the songs. Josh stood on stage and picked his nose. The joys of parenting.

Then for some reason I had a really difficult weekend. Saturday night I could not breath, and felt like the walls were closing in on me. It really came on sort of suddenly. I wanted to take a drive or go for a swim in the ocean (this was late at night.) But instead I sat on my back porch. It was amazingly cool and it was slightly raining. It helped a little. But it is also so hard for me to be in my yard and stare at the trampoline Eric built with Jason and Scott just a few short months ago.

Sunday was a bit better. The kids were with grandparents and I went to church. I sat in the back pew with sunglasses on and cried for an hour. But at least I made it to service (first time since my brother died.) Then Duane and I went to Mt. Mitchell (a scenic overlook) and Sandy Hook. The day was overcast, but we enjoyed just looking around, walking, and talking. It was nice.

Now I am all on edge again. My boys are fighting (I mean trying to kill each other) and screaming. They also let a few bad words fly. I can't believe this is my life. It is horrible. It's like my house is full of hate or something. This is so the opposite of what I want. I can't comprehend how God expects me to parent especially when my boys are so full of anger and pain, while I am in la la land somewhere. I know I need to snap out of it, but it is so hard.

Parenting my boys was hard before, but now I need serious prayer. I know I need the Lord's strength and love more now then ever.



HS @ Our Debt Blog said...

Smile and be grateful you have 2 wonderful boys! hang in there!! things will get better soon.

I sent you $50.00 with paypal to help you out with your bills below. It is not much but hopefully that covers your gas bill.


Jeannette said...

Stop being so hard on yourself. I am sorry your dealing with so much. I am here if you need tme

Janie Out of Debt said...

I just found your blog from "Our Debt Blog." I have a very strong faith as well. I know everything is going to work out for you.

Jeannette said...

PSS.. love that shirt, do you have many in that color?????