Thursday, August 27, 2009

thoughts of Eric

I am just thinking about Eric. I have been so busy preparing for our homeschooling co-op that I have been distracted from thoughts of him. It is good to be distracted and interested in life, however when the thoughts come back it is like being hit with a brick again.
Yesterday I went to my ankle doctor and although my ankle is healing nicely, Eric took me there last and all I see is him sitting in that waiting room with me. He actually sat with me while we waited about an hour until I was seen by the doctor. That is how our family is, we do things for each other. We help each other. We spend time together. Now I will say that I did not spend as much time with Eric as I do with my mom, but if you needed him he would be there (same for anyone in my family.) Last year Eric and Scott redid my closet so I could have a more usable space. They did an amazing job. In April, Eric helped Jason and Scott put up our trampoline. Everywhere I look I see something that makes me think of Eric. I guess I finally realize he is gone, and am now trying to live life without him, but it still hurts so much.
I have had one panic attack in my life before Eric died, but since he died I have had a few. Just two days ago in KFC I had one. The walls were actually spinning. I could not even order. I felt like I was in a movie watching things happen. It was so surreal. My heart was beating so fast. I was crying and yelling. Duane thought I was upset with my boys. My boys didn't really notice as they were busy deciding what to order. I thought, "Am I crazy? Who loses it at KFC while ordering chicken?" I couldn't read the menu as all the words were not making any sense. It didn't last long as I somehow snapped back to reality, placed our order, and we all ate in peace. I guess that is progress, being able to come back from these moments. A few weeks ago it was hours until I could snap out of it so to speak.
I don't really know, all I do know is I still really miss my brother. I want him back. And I hate KFC!!!


Jeannette said...

Sorry I would have a panic attack in KFC in a heartbeat, just the thought of all that grease and yucky food. And then I would have a panic attack for about five hours afterwoulds if you know what I mean

Eric is still alive in our hearts. He would not want us to be sad, that is why he left because he felt he was making us sad. In his mind this was the only way to make us feel better. DUH, if only he knew

Bones said...

I completely understand grief, and how you have ebbs and flows. Just when you feel like you are managing life well again and feeling more like yourself, then you suddenly are hit with a wave. But this is healing, even when it feels overwhelming. It is like having a 3rd degree burn, and having to have the bandages opened every so often to be cleansed, the skin grafted. God is the Great Physician, and He loves you. He does. And I am praying for you in Texas. Blessings.