Eric

Yesterday was such a good day, but today I think is my worst day for me in the past 25 days. I woke up late, on the wrong side of the bed (actually I was on the couch, both my boys wanted to lay with me so after they fell asleep I went to the couch.)

My boys are not listening at all. Josh has said two bad words and lied about something ridiculous, so now I have to come up with consequences for him. Jason was watching tv (which he was not allowed to do) and didn't get dressed or take out the garbage when asked. I gave him 5 min. to do both tasks, but he took 25. So I have to come up with consequences for him as well. We all seem to be in bad moods (I guess since I set the tone in the house, I set the bad mood today.)

Of course it would be hard enough being Valentines Day as I am am not in a relationship. It is hard being a divorced mom with two kids. I want some love and romance. I want someone to think I am special. I am so grateful that the Lord loves me and thinks I am very special, but today I am having a pity party about not having someone here on earth to do that.

But even worse is that 8 months ago today we lost Eric. Yesterday as we all went to the basketball games and out to brunch it was a great day, but he was still missing. I am surprised my mom wanted a shot of us all as I thought she would never want a picture again as Eric will never be in another picture. It still all seems so senseless. As I recall the details of that horrible day 8 months ago, I try to make sense of it all. I spent that day looking for Eric. All day long the gnawing feeling that something was wrong grew. Discovering he was dead was the worst thing I have ever heard. At that instant my body was still there but my mind was not. I thought I was being lied to, and I also kept praying that God would bring him back as he did for the child who was dead but Jesus said was only sleeping. I thought if God could do that, he could raise Eric too. But for reasons I will probably not understand until I am in heaven, He did not.

Eric was gone. Eric is gone. He isn't coming back.

As I try to live my life now I have some good days, some bad days, and some really bad days. But each day I reflect on Eric, on his life, or some thing he did that was funny or cool or even dumb (to me.) He is with me. I still wish he wasn't dead. I still long to hug him and tell him I love him. To talk to him about God more (he didn't like discussing such things.) To watch him play with his dogs or fight with Joshua or hang with Jason. And it is sad that I can't do these things anymore. And some days it is ok that I need to cry and stay in bed a bit longer. It is my way to face the better days. Today just doesn't happen to be one of those better days. Losing Eric is hard, but living without him is harder.

Here are some pictures of Eric that I have been reflecting on today:

What are you looking at? Eric and Josh 6 years ago















I love this picture. Joshua's middle name is Eric.













That is also my baby sister, Sam in the background. She was 13. She is now 20. Yikes!