Tuesday, June 14, 2011

This week

I have decided not to go to Ohio for my grandmother's funeral. This week my mind is so wrapped around Eric; plus I don't have the money to go. Also I will lose out on three jobs (cleaning, Temple, and childcare) and if I do not work, I do not get paid. Plus the stress of the 8 hours there and 8 hours back on me and the boys. And I watch my nephew as my sister just started a job, so she can't take off. And Friday and Saturday is an annual Education convention I want to attend, plus need the course hours to maintain my daycare license.

I feel at peace about that decision.

I do not feel at peace about other things. It still sucks that we lost Eric. There has been a ripple effect of depression and bad choices in my family in the past 2 years since Eric's death. For me, my walk with God has suffered. I don't spend any time with Him, I am not drawing on Him. So I am not being filled up. And therefore I can not overflow God's love on anyone.

I was starting to do better, but this month has thrown me back once again. Thinking of the last conversation I had with Eric. The last time I saw him. His death. All the what ifs and regrets. It is so painful.

I need to wake up tomorrow and call on God's name. Pray to Him. Listen to Him. Meditate on His word. I need to be still before Him. I need healing only He can give.

I want to be that person who has so much love to give once more. For my kids, for my family, and for my friends. But I can only be that person by drawing on Him.

Pray that I can start over tomorrow by letting Him fill me. Pray that through Him I can salvage the mess I have made with my kids, my family, and my friends. Pray for peace for me.




Prince of Thrift said...

@Becky -
Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.
Psalm 126:6-7
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let
the righteous be shaken.
Psalm 55:22

I hope these verses are an encouragement to you. I will be praying for you.