not sure why

Here it is 12:23 am, and again I am unable to sleep. I find my self thinking about my older brother, Eric. Maybe because I did not see him this Easter. I don't see him that often although he only lives about 20 min. away, but Christmas and Easter I could count on. I guess I am sad because I did not see him. We were never really close. He was part of the cool crowd and I was not (I did hold my own in high school amongst an entirely different crowd.) It makes me sad as I realize I am not really close with any of my siblings. I wish I was, I wonder if I try harder if it could happen or is it not possible. Kevin, who is only a year younger than me, I always thought I was close with, but I don't really know much about him. My sister Sam used to be my world. I really prayed for a sister for so many years, I felt like she was my own doll for so many years. But when she was 8 I had Jason and I was just too busy for her I suppose. Now she is way too busy for me. Also she is 18 and knows EVERYTHING. It hurts me to see her making bad choices, and also some good ones. As I missed out. That was my choice, yes, but still if I knew then what I know now. I'd hope to make better choices. Kevin and Samantha do seem close. I am glad for that. Eric seems to live in his own world. But I guess we all do. But how could the people I grew up, spent everyday with for so many years, be strangers to me? I question how I could make it different? I pray for them almost daily, but I want to know them. I wonder if that is possible?
It is strange as I am close to my mom (at least I think I am.) I talk to her almost daily, but I wonder is it always about me. Do I take the the time to know her? Actually are any of my relationships about others at all? Or is it all about there role in my life? Sometimes all I can think about it getting through the day or moment even, the relationships get lost in the shuffle. Is it like this with everyone? Or is it just the sadness from listening to 80's music on utube that is getting to me.

Not sure, but I think a call to my siblings tomorrow won't hurt. I can call Kevin or Sam just to say hi, but Eric, not sure. I'll let you know how that goes.

Oh and can anyone recommend some sleep songs off utube? I sure could use some help falling asleep. -Becky