Eric

This morning every time I closed my eyes I saw Eric, mostly at the funeral home. Not the way you want to remember your brother. I recall how intensely I wanted to touch and hold him. I did touch him. Before I lost him I never wanted to go near a body that was without a spirit. But in that time I didn't even want to leave the funeral home. I wanted to stay all night with him, after all those people were gone.

Before we lost Eric I loved people. I loved talking to them and praying with and for them. I loved being around lots of people. Since we lost him I find it hard to even look people in the eye. I don't want to be around people, especially large groups. I still do it, but on a day like today when all I wanted to do was cry I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, but it took all I had to get dressed and go to church this morning. Conversation was not possible.

At the homeschool convention I went to last weekend one of the seminars the veteran homeschool mom said when she was depressed she would try and act happy, so at least her kids could have a normal day.

I tell you I find that incredibly challenging, but I love my kids so I will try anything. I also tried it at church. With tears streaming down my face and the red face aftermath that remains with me a while after crying I just smiled. If someone talked at me I just smiled and motioned like I had to get somewhere.

Losing Eric is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. Things have changed I never imagined would, like me not wanting to talk to people, but an especially hard thing is how little if anything I have to give. I can't even be loving and supporting to those I love. I just don't have anything to give.

I especially think of my best friend, who I have spent so little time with the past year. Don't get me wrong I love her so and am so grateful for her, but we used to talk about 3-5 times a day, now that does not happen. I used to always pick up when she called or text her back immediately, now days can go by.

Another thing that has happened that I would not expect is how angry I am at people for things completely out of their control. I am angry at my friends who house I was at the day my brother died, because I was having fun with them the day Eric died. I am angry at the person who told me he was dead, because somehow it's her fault. I am angry at Eric's girlfriend because she is seeing someone else and expecting a baby now. I get angry at people when they ask me why I am sad. The reason has not changed.

These are not rational thought, I know, but still it is how I feel.

It has been over 11 months since we lost Eric. Yet in an instant I am back to that day again. And all the pain and heartache comes flooding back as well. Even more so as we go through another day without new memories of him.

And as we anticipate the birth of my sister's baby, I can't even fathom a new family member who will have no memory of Eric. No times with Uncle Eric. No skateboard lessons. It is not fair.

-Becky